Give It to God

I know exactly the moment that it happened.  The moment that I completely gave it up to God.  The exact second that I couldn't be in charge anymore.

About midway through my infertility journey, I began telling people, "I KNOW that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and He has a plan for my life.  I don't know what it is....and right now, it seems really unfair and stupid."

That was honestly how I felt.  I'm a pretty honest person that way.

I had heard over and over and over again, my whole life that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us.  He gives us what we need to learn and become our best selves.  Sometimes trials are brought upon us by our own stupidness and sometimes it is by other people's stupidness.  Sometimes trials are just part of being alive.  And I think that all the time, Heavenly Father is there to give us strength and guidance and to use it as a chance to teach us.  So I KNEW that He was having me go through the trial of infertility for a reason or multiple reasons.

But it really seemed stupid.  And unfair.  And like the worst plan ever.

After years of trying, I got pregnant and stayed pregnant.  It wasn't easy.  Pregnancy was difficult for me and complicated but miraculous and beautiful.

I went into labor.  And it wasn't easy.  It REALLY wasn't easy.  You've probably read the story.

It was around 4 days and 2 hours into my labor.  From the start of wanting this baby to that moment, nothing had been easy.  That's how it felt.  It felt like, I couldn't GET pregnant easily.  I couldn't BE pregnant easily.  And now, I couldn't even get the baby out in a normal fashion.

A nurse checked my cervix.  Something felt wrong.  She thought that it might be my placenta abrupting.  She went to get another nurse to check.  The second nurse checked.  She told me that she was getting another more seasoned nurse to check before they went to tell the on call doctor.  She told me that they might have to do an emergency C-section.

That was the moment.

I laid my head back down on the bed and closed my eyes and said to God, "Fine.  I give up.  Whatever you want.  I'm not going to fight anymore."

That was the most liberating feeling in the whole wide world for me.  I didn't know what the plan was.  I didn't need to know what the plan was.  I didn't care what the plan was.  I was just going to go along with the plan.

It wasn't crippling.  It wasn't demoralizing.  It was empowering.  

My spirit wasn't broken or crippled.  My spirit was humbled.

The words "If ye have faith, ye need not fear" entered my mind.  It isn't an exact scripture quote (as least that I've been able to find) and I don't know where it came from if not the Holy Spirit.  It has been my mantra ever since.

Whatever you are holding onto, whatever has got you stressed and worried.  Let it go.  Give it to God.

When we were trying to sell our house this summer and it just sat on the market, it was scary.  We had only a couple months before we would have to pay rent and mortgage...which was not going to be doable.  We did all we could to make the house desirable and then, I gave it to God.

It was apparently in God's plan for it to sell right before our time ran out.

When I was told 2 days before moving day that I needed to not do anything stressful or get my heart rate up or move boxes, I gave it to God.

People showed up.  People that I didn't expect to show up, came to help.  They came to load up the moving truck and when we got to Las Vegas, more people than I thought we knew in Vegas came to unload it.

I loved Elder Nelson's talk at conference in April.  I've thought about his words at the beginning a lot.  He told a personal story of when he had been on a plane during turbulence and a terrified woman who he wished that he could help calm.

"Because faith is the antidote for fear, I silently wished that I could have strengthened her faith."

There are have been several people in my life in the last couple months, who I wished that I could give my faith to.  That I could physically take some of my faith out of my body and place it into their hearts to help them.

I can't give you my faith.  I earned it through some pretty tough moments.  But I can give you my testimony.  And this is it.

We can fill our life with worry and stress and fear and still reach the same end as we would if we did all we could and then gave it all to our Heavenly Father.  I can have Him, "lead me, guide me, walk beside me, help me find the way" and so can you.

Zach would have gotten out of me one way or another.  That was something that I couldn't stress about or try to be in control of one second longer.  

And you might be holding onto something that you can't stress about or try to control one second longer.  So don't.  Please don't.

Give it to God.