Hospital Christmas

After Aaron's first surgery, we didn't see why he wouldn't be able to be home for Christmas and so we didn't worry about it too much.  

We had been planning on spending Christmas up in Utah at my parents new home so we did start to talk about other plans after surgery.  We assumed that even if Aaron was feeling better, he wouldn't want to travel for the holiday.  Definitely not sit in the car for 6 hours.

Then we found out that Aaron would need another surgery and everything was put on hold.  We didn't know when the surgery would be and we didn't know how long he would need to recover after the second surgery.

We tried to think positive and act like Christmas was coming.  I pulled out some of our Christmas things.  Christmas quilts on the couch and stockings.  Then I would take pictures and show them to Aaron so that he knew what was going on at home.

About a week into December, my parents solidified their plans for Christmas.  They would come down to us after seeing family in Utah. And my brothers would drive here from Texas.

So about 4 days after Aaron's surgery, my family was here to celebrate with us.

On Christmas Eve, Aaron was able to go on a liquid diet!  Happy day!!  It wasn't amazing but it was something.

We gathered the family in the hospital room.  It was kind of a tight squeeze so it was a good thing that I had made this Christmas tree back in November before Aaron was even in the hospital because it was the perfect tree for our Christmas.  Zach had fun decorating it.

Every time one ornament would fall off, Zach would pull them all down and start all over.  It was very cute to watch.

We told the Christmas story using a felt board story....and used the tree as a felt board.  Very useful.  This way Zach was at least a very little bit engaged and interested.  I believe that I had one of my brothers read the story while Zach and I looked at the felt board.

We had a little down time while we were there and so we were sitting around talking and general merry making.  Zach was having fun climbing under chairs and behind furniture.

Suddenly the door to Aaron's room flew open and a good amount of hospital staff came pouring in.

"IS EVERYONE OKAY?"

"Oh, yeah...were we being too loud?"

"No.  Someone pressed the Code Blue button."

For anyone not in the know...the Code Blue button is the "Someone is trying to get dead in this room and I would like them to stop" button.

We look around and Zach is behind Aaron's bed...hanging out with the buttons.  Zero people were dying in that room.  But the hospital staff are really on their toes so good for them.

We passed out Christmas Ever presents (surprise, they are pajamas).

I went home with my parents and brothers and got Zach ready for bed.  We told him that Santa would bring all the presents to the hospital with dad because Santa knows where we will be.  He's still too young to know what's going on but it is cool that Santa always knows where to put the presents.

Then I went back to the hospital to set up everything and be with Aaron.  He didn't want to be alone on Christmas Eve.  I know that feeling.  I've been alone on Christmas Ever/Christmas before and it sucks.

I got the tree set up and went to bed.

In the morning the stockings were full and more presents arrived.  Along with the best present...my sunbear.

He immediately dove into the presents to have a look at all of them.

There he found a special present just for him that was left unwrapped.  It was something that had been mine when I was little and since Zach loves music so much, I thought that it would be the perfect present for him.

He wanted a "sing" playing the rest of the day on his "new" record player (all but one of the records are "lost" behind my bed so we currently listen to Jack and Jill TOO MUCH).

Zach even had to show his new records to dad.

About halfway through present unwrapping, Aaron had to have wound change and so we went downstairs to the lobby to enjoy the Christmas tree and each other's company.  It was bizarre how empty the hospital was.  I mean, it's good that it was empty...but it felt so quiet.

Another family was in the lobby waiting for a family member too.

When I got a message from Aaron that they were done with wound change, we headed back upstairs and finished unwrapping presents.  Then Aaron (and I) needed to take a nap.  We snapped a couple pictures of the three of us.  Zach didn't want to cooperate and I couldn't hold him up that long so they all came out a little weird.  But this was our family on Christmas day.

[Insert Name Here] Birth Story

The Book of Alma 32: 21
And now as I said concerning faith—faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.

Aaron and I have been kind of sitting on a secret the whole time that I've been pregnant.

My blood pressure has been TERRIBLE.

We knew that I was at a slightly raised risk of preeclampsia to begin with, since I got it the last week that I was pregnant with Zach. At my 16 week appointment my blood pressure was high.  The doctor explained to me that if a woman has high blood pressure before week 20 of her pregnancy, she is very likely to develop preeclampsia at some point but the hope was to avoid it for as long as possible.  He told me to put myself in a low stress environment and to avoid anything that would elevate my blood pressure.

That weekend, we did this.

Pizza PARTY!!  Oh yeah....and sold our house and moved our family to a different state.  NO STRESS!  

But seriously, that weekend, we literally went from the doctor's office into the car and drove back up to Utah to pack up our house.  We hadn't told anyone (except family) that we were pregnant but we decided to tell people who were helping us move because...I wasn't allowed to pick up any boxes or do anything to help.  I felt like such a goob watching all these wonderful people help me pack up while I didn't look pregnant AT ALL.  Let alone, too pregnant to help.  But, doctor's orders.

We had a mini gender reveal party while we were in town, with the people who came to help us pack.

Look at that cute family!  We went downhill fast!

Some exceptional stalkers on Facebook, might remember me posting about my blood pressure cuff.

Look at that great number!!

I had been told to monitor my blood pressures at home so that we could track to see how I was doing.  Once we moved into our apartment, my blood pressures started to improve.  IT WAS A MIRACLE!  Hahaha, but seriously, I was in a stable low stress environment and so things were looking up for this pregnancy.  

My mom was the first to have the dream.  She had a dream that I had my baby in December and that we couldn't come up to have Christmas in Utah.  Then Aaron had the dream and he woke up in a start and looked over at me and my belly...just to make sure. A couple of my friends told me that they had had a dream that I had my baby early.

Then I had a dream that I had the baby so fast that she was hurt and had to be in the NICU for awhile.  It was a little weird to me but considering Zach went to week 41 and took me 4 days to get out...A baby coming out TOO FAST wasn't one of my concerns.

We started to relax.

Oh...until this.

You know....November 18th...the day my husband could have died.  Yeah...it did not do good things to my blood pressure.

That night while I was at the hospital with Aaron, my feet and hands swelled up.  It's an early sign of preeclampsia and I knew that.  But once Aaron's parents got into town, I went and rested.  The swelling went down and my doctor's appointment was two days later.  My blood pressure was raised but not terrible.  Not danger range.  No protein in the urine.

But our daughter was measuring small.  About a month small.  But all of her organs were developed and appeared to be functioning perfectly for her gestational age.  It was just a VERY long appointment measuring every possible thing to make sure that all was well.

Aaron's situation was constantly in flux and so many people were helping us, praying for us, and reminding me to "take care of myself."  No joke.  I was TRYING really hard to take care of myself.  But it was hard.  There were a lot of days were I would swell up or get headaches that wouldn't go away with medication...signs that I knew were bad but I would just lay down and wait for them to clear up on their own.

December 11th, I had another appointment with my doctor.  Blood pressure was bad.  My OB/GYN knew about the hospital situation with Aaron but when I didn't have protein in my urine he told me that he thought that blood pressure was definitely related to my stressful life at the moment.  He told me to monitor my blood pressure and if it was consistently 140/90, I needed to come back in.  And he reminded me to take care of myself and to try and relax.  

Sure buddy...I'll get right on that relaxing thing.

December 15th, was suppose to be Aaron's final surgery.  BUT IT WASN'T.  Again, Facebook stalkers might remember that that day Aaron was suppose to get surgery but once again, they changed the date at the last minute and I was on the war path.

Before I got to the hospital my blood pressure was 160/118....in case you didn't know, THAT'S REALLY BAD.  I totally swelled up.  But by the end of the day, my blood pressure improved and I had complained to a good many people and had been listened to so all was well...the swelling went down and on the 17th, Aaron got the long awaited surgery.

This is Aaron before surgery.  You can tell because he had the energy to be silly.

That night and for a couple days afterwards, I was on and off swollen.  But I couldn't help it.  I was at Aaron's bedside worried sick.  The surgery hadn't really gone as well as we had hoped and we were playing a very stressful waiting game with Aaron's body.  

But by Christmas time, things were looking up (maybe some day I'll write about our Christmas day).  Aaron was on full liquids (he could eat PUDDING!) and my family came to town for the holidays.

Christmas day my blood pressure was terrible starting from the moment I woke up on my hospital cot.  I tried to take it easy while we waited for my parents and brothers to come over with Zach.

It was an interesting day.  I told my parents about how my blood pressure had been and so once the presents were unwrapped, they packed up everything and left so that I could take a much needed nap.

I woke up a couple hours later.  The whole left side of my body was numb. My left leg and left arm were so swollen that they had gone numb.  That's...not good.

But it was Christmas and I didn't want to go to the doctor.  Because in my mind, that makes logical sense. 

I went home and ate dinner with my family.  Bathed my son and put him to bed.  Had a Skype call with my sister and her spouse and then went to bed.  I was exhausted....I was sore...I had TERRIBLE blood pressure.

The next morning my mom came over and asked how my blood pressure was.  Still bad.  She told me that she was cancelling her plane ticket back to Thailand.  She didn't think that I would make it to February 9th.  I tested my blood pressure again and it was still in the danger range.  I called my doctor's office.  They advised that I go to Summerlin Hospital to get checked out. They had a better NICU than the hospital Aaron was at.  I figured that it would be good to look around another hospital and see if I wanted to have my baby there....maybe get a tour of the place.   I was so naive.

While they monitored my blood pressure, tested my urine for protein, and ran some blood tests my mom and I talked and laughed and got this picture of me in a hospital gown...you know...to show Aaron that we got to be matchy-matchy for a little while.

The nurse came back into the room and I asked, "So, we're free to go now?"
"No.  We're admitting you."
"Are you joking?"
"Why would I be joking?  You have had some terrible blood pressures."

Even though I was upset that they were admitting me (for what I felt was not a whole lot of reason) I was so relieved that my family was in town because I didn't have to worry for a second about who was going to take care of my son.  With Aaron in the hospital and now me admitted...the poor kid was a little temporary orphan....a temporary orphan that got to have a sleep over with his two uncles.

They showed me to my room and told me that my blood pressures were showing severe preeclampsia but my urine was just showing mild preeclampsia and so they wanted to monitor me for 24 hours to make sure that I didn't develop severe preeclampsia in the coming hours.

Because, fun fact, once you have preeclampsia, it only gets worse until you can get the human out.

I was told that if my blood pressures stayed low, I might get to go home on bed rest.  If things looked bad, I would be at the hospital till I delivered.

I prepared for the worst.

Just kidding, I totally goofed off.

I sent silly pictures to my friends and joked on Facebook about how Aaron made the hospital look so fun so I decided to get myself checked in.

Please note how fun and swollen my nose gets when I'm pregnant.

 Oh...and of course I yelled at the stupid people on Family Feud.  I mean, generally, I was acting like this was a forced vacation from my last 6 weeks of crazy family life because I had to keep my blood pressure down.

The OB/GYN on call came in to talk to me.  He said that I definitely had preeclampsia and that they needed to give me a shot of steroids to help Sydney work on her lung development because I would need to be induced around weeks 36-37 since with preeclampsia, your body is slowly becoming more toxic for you and the baby.

A nurse came in and said, "Have you ever had a steroid shot before?"

"No."

"This is going to burn.  And it is going in your butt cheek."

Excellent.

When I texted my friends about this, one of them replied, "Well, with Aaron in the hospital for the last couple months, this is probably the first time your butt has gotten any attention in awhile."

We were all taking this....very....seriously.

The morning of the 27th, I texted my dad and told him that I wanted a priesthood blessing before he went back to Thailand.  I knew that I wouldn't get the chance to get another blessing from him before my baby came since he lived so far away.  I was hoping to be out of the hospital that evening since my blood pressures had been really good the night before but it would still be too late to see my dad and brothers before they left for Utah.

The blessing was extremely comforting.

I was blessed that through my faith, I would be able to see miracles happen.  That my daughter would come into the world when the Lord wanted her too.  I was reminded that the Lord is mindful of me and that His timing is for my good and I was blessed that I would be able to see that.

I was blessed that I would be able to have time to rest and relax away from what was happening with Aaron and that I needed to trust that Aaron and Zach would be taken care of while I was away.

The blessing also included that our daughter would be born healthy and strong and that she would thrive.

While most of this wasn't what I wanted to hear.  It was very comforting.  I didn't want to hear that I would be away from Aaron and Zach.  But I felt very relieved.

They left to go say good bye to Aaron at his hospital.  I was bummed that my last two days that I could have spent with them, I had been in the hospital. 

It helped that they left pumpkin pie....which was the last thing that I got to eat before things took a turn.

About 10 minutes after my dad and brothers left, the doctor came in to check up on me.  Every 8 hours, they would put a monitor on my stomach and track my babies vitals for at least 20-40 minutes.  They noticed that when I had a Braxton-Hicks contraction, her vitals would drop.  She was also showing a very low level of activity.  So the doctor brought an ultrasound machine in to check it out.

It turns out that amniotic fluid is important....and that I didn't have much of it anymore.  The doctor told me that I wasn't going anywhere.  They would try to give me fluids to try and increase the amount but with preeclampsia, it would probably go to swelling up my body.

They put my baby bump on continual monitoring and it quickly became clear that my baby was not doing okay.  I had about 3 Braxton-Hicks contractions in an hour and a half and her cord would get compressed and her vitals would drop.  It was unnerving to say the least when I would feel the contractions coming and look up at the screen and the line on the monitor drop off.  

After the first one, the nurses rushed in and pulled an oxygen mask over my face.

Of course I took a picture to send to my friends, being like, "Dude...crap is going down at this hospital."  Because...I'm very mature.  Plus, I could still hear the words my dad had spoken earlier that day.  My daughter would be healthy and strong.  And even though I had no proof that that was true, I had faith.

My daughter would start to move and her vitals would drop.  My body would contract and her vitals would drop.  The nurses told me that I was NPO until further notice.

I know what that means.  That means they are thinking about operating.
"Is the doctor thinking about a c section?  Is that why I can't eat?"
"He's considering it, yes."

About 10 minutes he came in, "Your daughter is in distress.  We are going to need to do..."
"A c section.  I understand.  That's fine."

It felt crazy saying those words.  I didn't want a c section.  I've never wanted a c section.  I don't like hospitals.  I don't like being cut open.  And I wanted to give birth vaginally.

But I knew that if I was induced, every contraction would crush my daughter.  Amniotic fluid is protection and she had nothing.  The blessing said to trust the Lord's timing.  And if she needed to come right now than the Lord must need her to come right now.  I only needed to have faith.

I called my mom and told her what was happening.  She immediately left to drop off my son with my cousin...but the surgery was happening right now and she didn't know if she would be able to make it.

I tried to call Aaron while a nurse shaved my nethers.  He didn't answer. 
Nurses were all around me.  Putting on leg compressors.  Putting on socks. Giving me antibiotics. Giving me anti-nausea medications (since I had recently eating some delicious pumpkin pie).   The whole time, they were telling me how sorry they were.  They all knew that my husband was in the hospital.  They knew that I was all alone.

The NICU director came in and gave me a brief overview of why she was there and what they were going to be doing once the baby came out.  She asked me if I had a name for our daughter.  I told her that my husband and I thought that we had more time.  She told me that she was sorry that he wasn't there.

Dr. Patel came in.  My anesthesiologist.  He asked, "Okay, who is coming in with you?  I want to tell you what all is going to happen."
"No one is coming in with me."
"What?  Where is the dad?"
One of the nurses replied before me.
"He's at another hospital."
"Wait...he went to the wrong hospital?"
"No...he's admitted into another hospital.  He just has surgery on his colon."
Dr. Patel looked down at me. "I'm so sorry.  Are you okay?"
Oddly, I was.  It was all happening so fast and I felt okay about it.

My phone rang and I quickly picked it up in case it was Aaron.
"Hi.  This is Brother Rowe from church.  I just wanted to see how you and Aaron are doing this week?"
"I'm about to have a c section...actually."
"Oh...sorry.  Congratulations.  I'll go.  Bye."
Poor man came to visit me in the hospital the next day and brought the sacrament.

Right before they wheeled me out of the room, I got a hold of Aaron.
"Aaron, I'm having a c section right now.  The baby isn't okay in me.  We're having our baby."
"Okay....I love you. I wish that I could be there with you."
"I know.  I love you too.  I have to go.  Bye."
"Bye."

As I hung up the phone, all the nurses were looking at me.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah.  I'm fine."
Dr. Patel stuck his head back into the room.
"Okay, let's go."

They wheeled me into the surgery suite.  And I moved onto the operating table slowly and in a daze.  I felt like a little kid all of a sudden.  I just didn't want to be there.  I kept thinking, "I don't want to do this now.  I don't feel good.  I want to leave."  But the rational part of me knew that I couldn't and I leaned over, holding onto a nurse, while Dr. Patel put in the spinal block.  Holding onto the nurse, I remembered getting my epidural with Zachary and holding onto Aaron.  I wished that he was there being the one that I was holding.  The nurse kept telling me she was sorry and asking if I was okay.

When Dr. Patel was done, I laid down and just let my whole body go limp and relax.....a little too relaxed.
My top half apparently wasn't suppose to look so relaxed and my eyes were closed and I was doing my meditations.  He thought something had gone wrong with the spinal block...sorry Dr. Patel.  I was just very very relaxed....something I've learned from hypnobirthing...you know...because I wanted to try a natural birth.

The whole experience was extremely surreal once I lost feeling below my chest.  But after some weird pressure down there, Dr.Patel said, "They have her out.  Oh, she has the cord around her neck."
After a little bit and some suction noses, my little girl started crying...loud.

Once I heard that, all of my worrying was over.  I called over the blue divider that was over my chest, "I'm sorry little angel.  I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry" has been the first thing that I've said to both of my children.  The first was because he was stuck for so long and the second because my body was killing her.

Dr. Patel asked the doctor, "Where is the amniotic fluid?"  Such a good question....such a good question.  I don't know what it normally looks like down there but apparently I wasn't as moist as usual.

The NICU director came over to tell me what was going on.
"You have a healthy little girl.  She is crying really well so we think she won't need oxygen.  She's very small though.  Very small for her gestational age.  She's only 3lbs.  Once we have her checked out, we'll bring her over to you."

It was funny to me because he was almost warning me about what I was going to see.  But I wasn't worried.  I already knew she would be healthy and that she would strive.

And then my little angel was brought over.  She was wrapped in a blanket and wearing a hat and her tiny little face was sticking out of the hat and she looked grumpy.  She looked so cute and grumpy...like her brother did when he first came out.  They brought her close enough to snuggle my face into her and I told her that I loved her.

Then she was off to the NICU and Dr. Patel gave me some super happy drugs.

And that is how Sydney Elizabeth Reinert came into the world.  Exactly when the Lord wanted her to and so far, she is healthy and strong.  And thriving.

*Blog Post on the Excellent Timing of Her Birth and Post About Why We Chose Her Name are coming soon!

Happy New Year 2015

This is my 6th year doing this wonderful "letter to myself" tradition!  I'm so happy every new year that I started this back in 2010 because it is THE BEST to review my year.  Every year I can't believe how fast it goes by...I really can't.  I know that it is cliche but...yeah...it's a cliche for a reason.

This year, I'm going to be a little bit more lax with my format.  I hope that you'll forgive me because I really don't have the energy for the old way at the moment.  We'll see.

Dear 2015 Katrina,
You did it!  I don't know what you did...but YOU DID IT.  And I'm proud of you.  Because chances are, life threw some stuff at you this year.  I feel like every year, I've entered it totally naive.  Which is good.  I think that maybe if we could see in front of us sometimes, we would be too terrified to move.  I think that if I had known all that would happen in 2014, that's what I would have done.  I would have been too petrified to move forward because I wouldn't know if I could handle it all.

But I could.  I did.  I can do hard things.

I don't want to do hard things.  Let's be clear.  I don't want to have to do hard things.  I don't want to stretch myself and grow.  But I have to.   We all do.  SO, I'm proud of you because I'm sure that you faced all of that in 2015 with grace...and a bit of crying (because it's healthy).

My questions about 2014!

I want to hear all about how much Zach has grown and all of the things that he can do now!  Is he sleeping through the night yet?  
YES!  He sleeps through the night (mostly)!!  It has been a long tough process with that little guy but I'm happy that we slowly figured something out...because that was seriously the toughest thing for 18 months.
But he is so grown up!  He can tell Bambi to go to her room when she tries to steal his cookies!  He can fold his arms for prayers.  He can eat with a fork and spoon (ish).  He can make me laugh all day long.  He go down his slide all by himself.  And say a few words.  He learns more and more every single day and he becomes a more amazing child every single day.  As he learns more, I get to do more with him like play with pine cones and feathers and dig in the rocks.  OH HE LOVES ROCKS!
I could write about Zachary ALL DAY.  I love being his mother.  I'm so extremely blessed.

Have you started feeling like he needs a brother or sister?  
Funny that you should ask that Katrina from 2013.  Finally when Zachary was about 10 months old and he started sleeping through the night, I started feeling like we were ready for another baby.  Aaron has been ready since Zach was 6 months old but I needed some sleep.  Aaron and I talked about it and decided that when Zach was a year old, we would start trying again.
And by the grace of God, we got pregnant that first month.  I couldn't believe it.  It took 3 years with Zach and one month for Lizzy.
Oh yeah, her middle name is Elizabeth...and she is already here.  I can't believe that in May we started trying and on December 27th, our little Lizzy came into the world.  That is a story for another day.  But in answer to the question, yes...I feel like giving Zach a baby sister...and she is here and beautiful and feisty.

What is your favorite mother/son thing to do together?  
I love to sit outside and watch Zach dig in the rocks....and color with chalk.  Oh, and I love to play one of his instruments and watch him dance and dance and dance.  That boy has got some mad dance skills.  And of course, I LOVE reading him stories.  He loves to have stories read to him and I love doing it.

What fun things do Aaron and you get to do?  Did you move?  
Aaron and I moved to LAS VEGAS THIS YEAR!!  We started looking for jobs around the United States at different military bases and Aaron got several job offers but there weren't any more appealing to us that the job in Las Vegas.  Aaron has gotten to fly in a Blackhawk Helicopter for this project and so he is pretty in love with his job.  We came down in May and spent the summer.  We were able to do a couple fun things this summer in between all of my barfing.

But when it comes to fun things that Aaron and I got to do this year, there is nothing that comes close to the last 6 weeks.  Well...I wouldn't say that it was fun....but it has been an amazing thing for our relationship.  Aaron just got released from the hospital yesterday after being in there for 6 weeks and he still has a TON of healing to do.

The reason that I say "there is nothing that comes close" is because I'm getting to date my husband all over again.  We are getting to go back to some of the roots of our relationship when it first started.  We've also learned to love each other in such a new way and appreciate different things about each other.  It is hard to describe how our relationship has changed but it has.  There wasn't anything particularly wrong in any huge way with our marriage before.  But this challenge by its very nature is bringing out some of the best in us, while being our worst trial.

We feel like Las Vegas is exactly where we needed to be for all of this to happen and the timing couldn't have been any better.  We have seen the Lord's hand in our lives.  Helping us grow and also protecting us.

Overview of Goals:
1) Spiritual Book
I had a couple book related goals.  One of them was to read at least one book a month.  I was pretty good until about July when I got really sick from being pregnant but I tried to do a lot of reading.  I read half of the Doctrine and Covenants along with the Institute Manual chapters along with it.  I read two books on Buddhism that I'm going to count also.  All truth is light and it comes from the same eternal source.  It has also helped me with my goal of embracing experiences and not objects.  It has been an important theme for me as we've moved to a very materialistic city.

2) Going to the Temple
Once again...I have disappointed myself.  BUT I'm going to do a very gracious thing and forgive myself and try and keep moving forward.

3)Rid the House of Nonessential and Embrace Experiences 
2013 Katrina...I love you for putting this on your list of goals.  It really helped us when we moved and I think that I can keep doing better in the area.  I'm happier and happier with fewer and fewer things.  I'm buying or making toys for Zach that encourage imagination play instead of filling our home with commercial goods.  I'm finding less and less that I find important enough to clutter my life and I'm finding peace in that.
I try and think of fun things to DO with my son instead of fun things to give him.  As a result, I have tons of wonderful memories of this year playing with Zach and I'm super excited for the next year too.

4)Get the House in Selling Order
Done!!  Totally did it!  Gone!  NO LOOKING BACK!  I was so ready to be out of Ogden and somewhere warmer.  I'm so thrilled for this new adventure.  I think that it will lead to a ton of new growth and opportunity for Aaron and I.  I'm so happy to be in Las Vegas.

In my journal, I also had a private goal to read more books (as I mentioned above) which I TOTALLY did.  Towards the end of the year as we got busier with moving and health drama, I got worse at it but at least I kept reading my scriptures and other mind enlarging and enlightening articles. It is easier when they are on my phone.
I also had a goal to work more on my photography.  Unfortunately, that hobby was kind of lost in the shuffle of moving and being a mother.  I regret nothing...except that I wish I took more pictures of Zach.
My last goal was to write in my journal more.  I was A CHAMP.  I've done a great job of that.  It has been very therapeutic for me all summer long and into the recent episode of trials.  I can't wait to keep up the good work.

Questions for 2015:
I'm almost scared to ask...How long did it take for Aaron's wounds to heal?  Did they?  Is this still going on?  I know that it can be a long processes and sometimes take years of working on it.  How is Lizzy?  What did you name her?  Hahaha!  So much is up in the air right now in our lives.  I feel like 2015 will be filled with so many wonderful things but chances are, a lot of tough stuff too.
Did you get to take your wonderful family to Thailand?  Or are we still waiting for that wonderful day?
What is Lizzy's personality like?  How does Zach like being a big brother?  What fun things are they both up to now?

Goals for 2015:
* Go to the temple once a month.  Okay...I'm going to DO IT IF IT KILLS ME!  I'm at least going to go 12 times this year.  That way, I can give myself some leeway when a month gets busy.
* Hop back on that book a month goal!
* Keep writing in that journal.
* Finish the Shutterfly books of your marriage!  Come on!  You are a couple years behind but you know that you will cherish them FOREVER!!
* Take a million photos of your babies!!  These two might be the only ones that you get now so you need to make every single moment count!  Don't look backwards wishing for more!  Look forward to every single moment you have with these two beautiful children!

It would be easy to say, "Good Riddance" to 2014.  But I refuse.  I know that we had a lot of trials and stress (seriously...it is almost not even believable at this point...I'm pretty sure that most of the people we know think it is a scam for money or something).  But I'm grateful for all of it.  I'm becoming a better person.  I don't think that it is too vain to say.   Heavenly Father's plan for us is to become better and better with each year.  If that means that we have to face bigger and bigger trials...I guess that that is how it is suppose to be and I trust Him.

I'm tempted to say "Bring On 2015" but I will be quite honest.  I'm feeling very apprehensive.  But I can do hard things.  And there is no moving backwards.  Only forwards.

Good night 2014 Katrina!  You were strong, courageous and loving!  I applaud you!  May you walk bravely into a beautiful 2015.  I believe in you!

Hospital Thanksgiving

Time to write about Thanksgiving!

Aaron was in the hospital.  I think you already know about that.

Months before, I told my brother to drive down from Idaho and spend the holiday with us.  And it was a good thing that I did too because I needed someone to help me while Aaron was in the hospital.

I remember the day before Thanksgiving, I told a nurse that we were hoping to get him home soon and she said, "We'll have him home by the holidays, for sure!   ....well...not THESE holidays.  Not tomorrow."

This is the ONLY photo that I have of my baby bump.  Sorry, Sydney...

But I wanted to look cute for the holiday since I hadn't looked cute in awhile and I thought, "Oh...while I'm not wearing sweatpants, I should take a picture."

Our food spread was a little weak.  This was part of the brief period of time when Aaron COULD eat at the hospital and so we had been given permission by the hospital to bring in Thanksgiving dinner for Aaron to eat (as long as he also drank an Ensure).  One rule that they were pretty strict on us following was not bringing alcohol to the hospital.  That was fine since we are still REALLY Mormon.

I woke up in the morning and fixed mashed potatoes (the first time from scratch by myself) and put the turkey breast we had in the freezer (Thanks Barb!!), into our oven to cook.  Some gravy and stove top stuffing from a box to round things out.  It was weird cooking this wonderful meal....and then SHOVING IT into tupperware.  I loaded it up into the car along with Zach and Markus and off we went to the hospital.

Classy....I even used my "good tupperware".

 Aaron and Zach got to spend a good amount of time together.  Notice the flashlight between Zach's legs.  It was his favorite toy and he had to show Dad.

Dad shared his cup of ice cream from the hospital fridge.  What a nice dad.

Markus looking GOOOOOOOOOOOOD with his mustache.

*Funny Side Story: That picture over Markus, Aaron didn't know it was there for a week.  He had a tube down his throat and couldn't turn his head.  So one day when the tube was out and I was sleeping on that couch, Aaron turned to say something to me and was like, "Wow....where did that come from?"  Aaron.....soooooooooooo high on morphine.

Sparkling apple cider with our Thanksgiving dinner, since we couldn't have any alcohol.

Family picture time.  We wanted to get a couple pictures of our little family for the scrapbook....you know, so we could look back on these memories.

Markus was great at entertaining Zach in the hospital room.  As you can imagine, this wasn't the most exciting place for Zach to be so he definitely needed someone who could throw a ball (or him) around.

If you ever wonder who Zach looks like, it's my brother Markus.

Our festivities were only occasionally interrupted with nurses needing to hook up new bags of antibiotics.

But Zach didn't mind.  He was riding up and down on this recliner...much to Markus' obvious delight.

For dessert, we had this delicious coconut cream pie that my barely acquaintance then (and really great friend now!) Kim brought us. 

It was an unusual Thanksgiving.  But it wasn't all that bad.  Aaron had morphine and food and family...and I don't think that you can get much better than that.

(Just food and family for the rest of us...since Aaron was being greedy with the morphine)

I feel like I was more thankful this Thanksgiving.  It was less busy and filled with the pressure to MAKE everything and unnecessary formality and tradition. It was the simple roots of the holiday.  It was sitting and saying, "Thank GOD you are alive.  Thank God we are all alive.  Thank God we have each other and our beautiful son.  Thank God we have parents and siblings who love us and can help us and pray for us.  Thank God for a good church group in Las Vegas who were willing to help us even though they don't know us.  Thank God for the Air Force and for Aaron's team specifically who also cared for us and wanted to do everything they could to help us."

It was a day that we were only Thankful. So in a way, it was the best Thanksgiving.  

Infinite Things to Be Thankful For

It's November and so it's thankfulness month so this post might seem a little trite.  We can all be thankful for a couple things for a month out of the year.  But this week, I've gotten a giant dose of perspective.

Tonight I went out to my car, after it had been sitting out in the parking lot for 4 hours and it turns out that I left the backseat light on when I took my son out of the car earlier.  I just froze.  It was still on.  That meant that the battery hadn't died even though I had done something so completely stupid.  And I felt so extremely blessed.

And I realized that I needed to write this post.  Maybe not for anyone else, but for me.

Aaron has been sick for months.  And I said a couple weeks ago in a post that he didn't really want anyone to know about it.  He's a very personal man and when he asks me not to talk about something, I do my best to respect that...even though I'm a person who will tell anyone off the street my life story.  But for months he has been feeling bad and over the last two months, it was getting worse and worse so he finally decided to see a doctor about it.

When I say "sick", I mean that he lost about 25lbs in the last 4 months.  He was having a harder and harder time walking.  He was getting constant fevers and his heart rate was constantly racing.  He was in increasingly larger amounts of pain as the weeks went on.

We thought that some of the problem was a pinched nerve in his back and around his hip flexor.  He started physical therapy two weeks ago.  After each session, he was getting increasingly worse and worse.

An area of the top of his hip started to get increasingly swollen and his physical therapist said that that wasn't normal and he should get an MRI to make sure he didn't have a torn muscle or something.  By the time he got to his General Practitioner on Monday, it was a distinct raised lump.  His GP told him to see a dermatologist because it might be an abscess that they could easily take care of.  Aaron made an appointment for the next day.  We didn't make it to the appointment.

Tuesday morning....that was the D-day of this story.  Pus.  Blood.  Ambulance.  Emergency Room.  CAT scan.  Emergency Surgery.  Speculations on prognosis. Talk of best case scenarios.  Preparing for worst case scenarios. Prayers. A million phone calls and texts and Facebook messages.  Blood transfusions.  Late night talks with the surgeon and infectious diseases doctor.  Trying to rest on the couch.  Trying to make Aaron comfortable.  Antsy for the next morning for another CAT scan to give us good or bad news.

This post isn't about that story.  This post isn't about D-day.  It's about all the things that I want to remember that I was grateful for.

* I'm grateful that we moved to Las Vegas where my cousins Tennille and Jacob are.  They took Zach in for as long as I needed them too even though that meant that they didn't sleep much Tuesday night either.  And I'm thankful that they offered me dinner when I was waiting for Aaron to get out of surgery.  Seriously, I'm very thankful for that concern for my welfare while I was too busy being worried about Aaron's.

* I'm grateful for my smart phone.  That I was able to call people.  Text people.  Facebook people.  Whatever was fastest for getting a hold of important people, I used it because smart phones are amazing.

*I'm grateful for Rebekah Walker and her husband, Preston.  We've known them for 2 months and they got a hold of people from Church to start the ball rolling on getting food for our family for the next couple days.  And she packed me a bag of food items that I could eat throughout the next few days while I was camped out at the hospital waiting for news.

* I'm grateful that this happened on a week when Aaron's parents had already planned on being in town.  So they only had to figure out plans a day early and showed up Wednesday morning at the hospital so that I could go get my son and stayed with Aaron when I needed to bathe and sleep.

* I'm thankful that without knowing any detail except "Aaron's in emergency surgery.  Please pray." People did it.  People care about us.  That is so overwhelmingly obvious and I couldn't be more grateful for every little act of friendship.

*I'm grateful that I have WONDERFUL siblings who were willing to talk and text and message and make sure that I was okay.  I've been so blessed with getting Aaron's sister as my sister as well.

*I'm grateful that I have an app on my phone for scriptures so that when I needed to be calmed and comforted, I had that.

*I'm grateful to the 4 people who donated their blood for my husband.  They didn't know that it was for my husband.  They knew that it was the right thing to do and that they would get a cookie but they didn't know what it would mean to me and my family.  I wish that I could know who they are so that I could hug them and tell them "THANK YOU!" but I can't.

*I'm grateful that the Priesthood was restored to the earth and given to Joseph Smith to pass on to other men who are willing to live worthily.  I'm grateful that that Priesthood can be used to bless the sick and afflicted. I'm grateful for the two men who came out to the hospital in the middle of the night to give Aaron that blessing after his surgery.

*I'm grateful that my mom lives on the other side of the world so that all through the night, I could text her and talk with her.  Because I couldn't sleep and I needed to talk with someone who was awake at 3:30am.

*I'm grateful for years of building my testimony of Jesus Christ and my wonderful Heavenly Father who wants all good things to me.  So that in times like these, I never have to feel forsaken and alone.

* I'm grateful that the Mormon Message, The Refiner's Fire, came out Tuesday....it felt like it was just for me.  It was as if Heavenly Father wanted to send a quick reminder that all of this was happening for my growth.  I have so many feelings about the concept of "The Refiner's Fire".  Maybe I will go into it some time later.

*I'm grateful for the Air Force.  Never thought that I would type that.  I'm so unpatriotic even though the US Air Force pays my bills.  Specifically, I'm thankful that they are made up of people who are "transplants" like Aaron and I.  People who aren't near family and so they become each other's family.  The group that Aaron works with immediately wanted to know updates and what they could do to help us.  If they could get us meals.  If we needed someone to take Zach.  If we needed ANYTHING.  I've had two Air Force wives that I'm met a couple times call to offer whatever we might need.

*I'm grateful for the Cimarron Ward of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  We just moved into this ward.  These people don't know us nearly at all.  And yet, the bishop came out to the hospital to check on us and ask what they could do for us.  The Relief Society president called and set up meals for us so that I don't have to worry about feeding my family or myself while I'm going between home and the hospital.

*I'm grateful that Aaron has been working on banking paid sick leave for a long while so that if something happened, we could be taken care of.

*I'm grateful that Aaron worked hard in school because he wanted to always have a job that offered good health insurance because he wanted to be sure that we would be taken care of.

*I'm EXTREMELY thankful for nurses.  Those people are SAINTS.  They are CONSTANTLY being asked to do a million things for a dozen people all at the same time.  They do gross things.  They do menial things. They do kind and compassionate things.  And they make sure that you are getting your meds.

*I'm thankful the wound care specialists.  I haven't made it public knowledge how bad the damage is but Aaron has to have a specialist come to redress his wounds everyday.  I guess specifically what I'm grateful for is that someone has the stomach for that job because it is important but it is also very graphic.

*I'm grateful for my added perspective that Aaron isn't only my husband but he is someone's son.  At the hospital I'm seeing him through his mother's eyes and it is very painful but very eye opening.  No one should see their son like that.  Their perfect baby, a piece of their heart, hurting and broken...with no ability to make it stop.  Seeing Aaron as someone's son makes me love him more and in a completely different way.  And it also is making me love my mother-in-law more because I suddenly realized, in a very paradigm shifting way, that she is a mom like me with a little boy.

*I'm grateful for the long conversations that Aaron and I have been able to have.  This whole summer was extremely stressful.  And since moving to Las Vegas, we haven't had any time together without Zach except for a couple hours at night when we are both totally exhausted.  We've had long stretches of time this week to sit and talk.  Yes, it isn't ideal.  Our "nights away" have been in a hospital room but when we wake up after a couple hours of uncomfortable sleep, we can sit and talk.

*I'm immensely grateful that Aaron isn't going to need more surgeries.  We haven't talked details with people who aren't family but if Aaron had needed more surgeries that would have meant some very bad stuff was going on.  As it is, a month of recovery is looking like a cake walk compared to what the worst case scenario could have been.

*I'm grateful that my little daughter is growing and developing.  I didn't put this on Facebook because it didn't end up being a big thing but I had a doctor's appointment on Thursday and there was some concern about her size and so there were a million measurements that had to be done and waiting for the doctor to examine the findings before finally determining that....she is most likely going to be petite but healthy.  Yeah, she is measuring a month behind in her body mass but all of her organs are looking like they are functioning as they should for her gestational age.  I even got to see her doing her "practice breathing".

*I'm grateful that my in-laws are getting more time to visit with Zach and enjoy him.  It's hard living away from family because Zach doesn't get to see his grandparents that often.  So it is good that they get to see him and he is getting to know them better.

*I'm grateful to Aaron's specific coworkers who have come to see him.  And also finding out that they have been concerned about his health in the recent months as they've seen him in pain and growing thin.  They've only known him a few months but they have been worried about him and are genuinely happy to find out that he is getting the help that he needs.  It is very telling how bad Aaron has been feeling lately that when people came to the hospital on Friday they said, "You look so much better than you looked on Friday last week."  They hadn't seen him when he came out of surgery or anything awful like that.  They think he looked better than he did AT WORK 4 days before the worst of this happened.  And he does.

*I'm grateful that today, since I had been sick last night, I got the chance to be with my son.  He's had a tough week.  Not because he has been short on loving, but because he has been short on mom and dad time.  We did a lot of cuddling today and quiet playing and book reading and just being normal.  We got to slow down and enjoy each other like we normally do.

*I'm grateful for all of the people who couldn't be near my physically but who answered the call today on Facebook to please do something to make me smile or keep things positive.  I couldn't bare to read anything negative on Facebook today after my night of being sick.  And people really delivered.  I loved it.  In fact, one friend actually DELIVERED.  Her son.  Which was such great news to hear.  I know she didn't do it for me but it lifted my spirits none the less.

*I'm grateful that the abscess didn't give Aaron sepsis.  I mean...let's be real.  Aaron could have gotten sepsis and died.  He could have died.  Not to be an alarmist but the real life situation is that he could have gotten sepsis and died. I seriously CAN NOT feel like this trial is that bad when my husband is alive.  He lived.  Yes, this is hard.  Yes, this isn't what I wanted for my life at the moment, but the love of my life is alive.

*And today I'm grateful that my car battery didn't die in the middle of the night.  Because God is good.  My life is good.

Every day that passes comes with new things to be grateful for.  New lessons about love and marriage and health and what truly matters in this life.  I wish that I could learn these lessons without all of this but apparently Heavenly Father thinks that this is the best way.  I trust Him.  And I'm thankful for that too.