I've really been slacking off in the last....9 months....when it comes to blogging.
It's actually funny because most people thought that my natural response to this pregnancy would be a tendency to over share.
I understand why people would have thought that. I mean, a couple days ago, I admitted to the internet that I pooped myself in the shower.
But I think that in this case, my response was understandable.
A year ago today, I had my second miscarriage.
We really thought that that was going to be the one. When I got a positive pregnancy test is April, we were so excited.
I wrapped the pregnancy test up in a bracelet box and took Aaron out to dinner. I told him that I had a present for him and handed him the box. He opened it up and his eyes instantly lit up.
I took a picture of a pregnancy test almost every day because I wanted to remember EVERYTHING.
We took pictures of my stomach every week so that I could use them for those same super cute belly progression shots you see on Pinterest.
Finally when I was over 6 weeks, we could go into the clinic and see what was going on in there. May 11th.
They popped in a DVD to record the ultrasound and it was AMAZING. There was our little baby. I wanted Aaron to take a video so that we could record the sound of our baby's heartbeat since the DVD wouldn't do sound. He misunderstood and just took pictures. No matter. The pictures would go in the Shutterfly book that I had been working on.
Two days later was Mother's Day. I had sent the families cards to be opened on Mother's Day while we were all together so that we could hear their surprise when they found out that we were going to have a baby. More pictures for my Shutterfly book. More wonderful fun memories.
Two days after that, I had a miscarriage.
From the beginning of this third pregnancy, I just haven't had it in me. I didn't take ANY pictures of the pregnancy tests. I actually only took three the first 24 hours and threw them all away thinking that they were some vicious lie. Or at least a promise that would remain unfulfilled.
Aaron was informed in the most anticlimactic way possible. "I think I'm pregnant. But the test is probably wrong. I'll take another one later."
I didn't make a big deal about taking pictures of my belly. And I definitely didn't pull Aaron away from what he was doing to take them. Why make a fuss?
I never started a Shutterfly book....I've actually never had it in me to delete the old one.
My parents actually found out about the pregnancy the same day that I did. "Sorry the house is messy. I've been feeling sick. It might be because I'm pregnant."
I was so sick the first 15 weeks that I didn't feel like doing a whole lot of celebrating anyway. But I definitely didn't want to do a whole lot of celebrating if this wasn't going to end well.
It has been a VERY SLOW progression back to feeling like making a huge deal out of this pregnancy. At the week 12 appointment, I was so shocked to see this baby still alive.
I was shocked at that point that the pregnancy was going well enough that we could actually announce to people that I was pregnant. But in the back of my head, the whole time I was thinking, "This will end badly."
Finding out we were having a boy at the gender reveal party made this seem really....real.
By week 18 though, when I was feeling him moving every day. That's when I started to believe that this was really going to happen. We were really going to have a baby....I could feel him. There was someone really in there.
And I couldn't take a picture of that feeling.
I'm 15 days away from my due date (what a difference a year makes)....and I'm starting to regret the lack of pictures and updates and over sharing.
Sorry internet.
At least I've been keeping a private journal so that this little guy will have something to read.
I don't know if I'll start sharing more once he is born though.
Not for the same reasons but because I'll be using all my spare time to snuggle him.
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