Hospital Thanksgiving

Time to write about Thanksgiving!

Aaron was in the hospital.  I think you already know about that.

Months before, I told my brother to drive down from Idaho and spend the holiday with us.  And it was a good thing that I did too because I needed someone to help me while Aaron was in the hospital.

I remember the day before Thanksgiving, I told a nurse that we were hoping to get him home soon and she said, "We'll have him home by the holidays, for sure!   ....well...not THESE holidays.  Not tomorrow."

This is the ONLY photo that I have of my baby bump.  Sorry, Sydney...

But I wanted to look cute for the holiday since I hadn't looked cute in awhile and I thought, "Oh...while I'm not wearing sweatpants, I should take a picture."

Our food spread was a little weak.  This was part of the brief period of time when Aaron COULD eat at the hospital and so we had been given permission by the hospital to bring in Thanksgiving dinner for Aaron to eat (as long as he also drank an Ensure).  One rule that they were pretty strict on us following was not bringing alcohol to the hospital.  That was fine since we are still REALLY Mormon.

I woke up in the morning and fixed mashed potatoes (the first time from scratch by myself) and put the turkey breast we had in the freezer (Thanks Barb!!), into our oven to cook.  Some gravy and stove top stuffing from a box to round things out.  It was weird cooking this wonderful meal....and then SHOVING IT into tupperware.  I loaded it up into the car along with Zach and Markus and off we went to the hospital.

Classy....I even used my "good tupperware".

 Aaron and Zach got to spend a good amount of time together.  Notice the flashlight between Zach's legs.  It was his favorite toy and he had to show Dad.

Dad shared his cup of ice cream from the hospital fridge.  What a nice dad.

Markus looking GOOOOOOOOOOOOD with his mustache.

*Funny Side Story: That picture over Markus, Aaron didn't know it was there for a week.  He had a tube down his throat and couldn't turn his head.  So one day when the tube was out and I was sleeping on that couch, Aaron turned to say something to me and was like, "Wow....where did that come from?"  Aaron.....soooooooooooo high on morphine.

Sparkling apple cider with our Thanksgiving dinner, since we couldn't have any alcohol.

Family picture time.  We wanted to get a couple pictures of our little family for the scrapbook....you know, so we could look back on these memories.

Markus was great at entertaining Zach in the hospital room.  As you can imagine, this wasn't the most exciting place for Zach to be so he definitely needed someone who could throw a ball (or him) around.

If you ever wonder who Zach looks like, it's my brother Markus.

Our festivities were only occasionally interrupted with nurses needing to hook up new bags of antibiotics.

But Zach didn't mind.  He was riding up and down on this recliner...much to Markus' obvious delight.

For dessert, we had this delicious coconut cream pie that my barely acquaintance then (and really great friend now!) Kim brought us. 

It was an unusual Thanksgiving.  But it wasn't all that bad.  Aaron had morphine and food and family...and I don't think that you can get much better than that.

(Just food and family for the rest of us...since Aaron was being greedy with the morphine)

I feel like I was more thankful this Thanksgiving.  It was less busy and filled with the pressure to MAKE everything and unnecessary formality and tradition. It was the simple roots of the holiday.  It was sitting and saying, "Thank GOD you are alive.  Thank God we are all alive.  Thank God we have each other and our beautiful son.  Thank God we have parents and siblings who love us and can help us and pray for us.  Thank God for a good church group in Las Vegas who were willing to help us even though they don't know us.  Thank God for the Air Force and for Aaron's team specifically who also cared for us and wanted to do everything they could to help us."

It was a day that we were only Thankful. So in a way, it was the best Thanksgiving.  

Infinite Things to Be Thankful For

It's November and so it's thankfulness month so this post might seem a little trite.  We can all be thankful for a couple things for a month out of the year.  But this week, I've gotten a giant dose of perspective.

Tonight I went out to my car, after it had been sitting out in the parking lot for 4 hours and it turns out that I left the backseat light on when I took my son out of the car earlier.  I just froze.  It was still on.  That meant that the battery hadn't died even though I had done something so completely stupid.  And I felt so extremely blessed.

And I realized that I needed to write this post.  Maybe not for anyone else, but for me.

Aaron has been sick for months.  And I said a couple weeks ago in a post that he didn't really want anyone to know about it.  He's a very personal man and when he asks me not to talk about something, I do my best to respect that...even though I'm a person who will tell anyone off the street my life story.  But for months he has been feeling bad and over the last two months, it was getting worse and worse so he finally decided to see a doctor about it.

When I say "sick", I mean that he lost about 25lbs in the last 4 months.  He was having a harder and harder time walking.  He was getting constant fevers and his heart rate was constantly racing.  He was in increasingly larger amounts of pain as the weeks went on.

We thought that some of the problem was a pinched nerve in his back and around his hip flexor.  He started physical therapy two weeks ago.  After each session, he was getting increasingly worse and worse.

An area of the top of his hip started to get increasingly swollen and his physical therapist said that that wasn't normal and he should get an MRI to make sure he didn't have a torn muscle or something.  By the time he got to his General Practitioner on Monday, it was a distinct raised lump.  His GP told him to see a dermatologist because it might be an abscess that they could easily take care of.  Aaron made an appointment for the next day.  We didn't make it to the appointment.

Tuesday morning....that was the D-day of this story.  Pus.  Blood.  Ambulance.  Emergency Room.  CAT scan.  Emergency Surgery.  Speculations on prognosis. Talk of best case scenarios.  Preparing for worst case scenarios. Prayers. A million phone calls and texts and Facebook messages.  Blood transfusions.  Late night talks with the surgeon and infectious diseases doctor.  Trying to rest on the couch.  Trying to make Aaron comfortable.  Antsy for the next morning for another CAT scan to give us good or bad news.

This post isn't about that story.  This post isn't about D-day.  It's about all the things that I want to remember that I was grateful for.

* I'm grateful that we moved to Las Vegas where my cousins Tennille and Jacob are.  They took Zach in for as long as I needed them too even though that meant that they didn't sleep much Tuesday night either.  And I'm thankful that they offered me dinner when I was waiting for Aaron to get out of surgery.  Seriously, I'm very thankful for that concern for my welfare while I was too busy being worried about Aaron's.

* I'm grateful for my smart phone.  That I was able to call people.  Text people.  Facebook people.  Whatever was fastest for getting a hold of important people, I used it because smart phones are amazing.

*I'm grateful for Rebekah Walker and her husband, Preston.  We've known them for 2 months and they got a hold of people from Church to start the ball rolling on getting food for our family for the next couple days.  And she packed me a bag of food items that I could eat throughout the next few days while I was camped out at the hospital waiting for news.

* I'm grateful that this happened on a week when Aaron's parents had already planned on being in town.  So they only had to figure out plans a day early and showed up Wednesday morning at the hospital so that I could go get my son and stayed with Aaron when I needed to bathe and sleep.

* I'm thankful that without knowing any detail except "Aaron's in emergency surgery.  Please pray." People did it.  People care about us.  That is so overwhelmingly obvious and I couldn't be more grateful for every little act of friendship.

*I'm grateful that I have WONDERFUL siblings who were willing to talk and text and message and make sure that I was okay.  I've been so blessed with getting Aaron's sister as my sister as well.

*I'm grateful that I have an app on my phone for scriptures so that when I needed to be calmed and comforted, I had that.

*I'm grateful to the 4 people who donated their blood for my husband.  They didn't know that it was for my husband.  They knew that it was the right thing to do and that they would get a cookie but they didn't know what it would mean to me and my family.  I wish that I could know who they are so that I could hug them and tell them "THANK YOU!" but I can't.

*I'm grateful that the Priesthood was restored to the earth and given to Joseph Smith to pass on to other men who are willing to live worthily.  I'm grateful that that Priesthood can be used to bless the sick and afflicted. I'm grateful for the two men who came out to the hospital in the middle of the night to give Aaron that blessing after his surgery.

*I'm grateful that my mom lives on the other side of the world so that all through the night, I could text her and talk with her.  Because I couldn't sleep and I needed to talk with someone who was awake at 3:30am.

*I'm grateful for years of building my testimony of Jesus Christ and my wonderful Heavenly Father who wants all good things to me.  So that in times like these, I never have to feel forsaken and alone.

* I'm grateful that the Mormon Message, The Refiner's Fire, came out Tuesday....it felt like it was just for me.  It was as if Heavenly Father wanted to send a quick reminder that all of this was happening for my growth.  I have so many feelings about the concept of "The Refiner's Fire".  Maybe I will go into it some time later.

*I'm grateful for the Air Force.  Never thought that I would type that.  I'm so unpatriotic even though the US Air Force pays my bills.  Specifically, I'm thankful that they are made up of people who are "transplants" like Aaron and I.  People who aren't near family and so they become each other's family.  The group that Aaron works with immediately wanted to know updates and what they could do to help us.  If they could get us meals.  If we needed someone to take Zach.  If we needed ANYTHING.  I've had two Air Force wives that I'm met a couple times call to offer whatever we might need.

*I'm grateful for the Cimarron Ward of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  We just moved into this ward.  These people don't know us nearly at all.  And yet, the bishop came out to the hospital to check on us and ask what they could do for us.  The Relief Society president called and set up meals for us so that I don't have to worry about feeding my family or myself while I'm going between home and the hospital.

*I'm grateful that Aaron has been working on banking paid sick leave for a long while so that if something happened, we could be taken care of.

*I'm grateful that Aaron worked hard in school because he wanted to always have a job that offered good health insurance because he wanted to be sure that we would be taken care of.

*I'm EXTREMELY thankful for nurses.  Those people are SAINTS.  They are CONSTANTLY being asked to do a million things for a dozen people all at the same time.  They do gross things.  They do menial things. They do kind and compassionate things.  And they make sure that you are getting your meds.

*I'm thankful the wound care specialists.  I haven't made it public knowledge how bad the damage is but Aaron has to have a specialist come to redress his wounds everyday.  I guess specifically what I'm grateful for is that someone has the stomach for that job because it is important but it is also very graphic.

*I'm grateful for my added perspective that Aaron isn't only my husband but he is someone's son.  At the hospital I'm seeing him through his mother's eyes and it is very painful but very eye opening.  No one should see their son like that.  Their perfect baby, a piece of their heart, hurting and broken...with no ability to make it stop.  Seeing Aaron as someone's son makes me love him more and in a completely different way.  And it also is making me love my mother-in-law more because I suddenly realized, in a very paradigm shifting way, that she is a mom like me with a little boy.

*I'm grateful for the long conversations that Aaron and I have been able to have.  This whole summer was extremely stressful.  And since moving to Las Vegas, we haven't had any time together without Zach except for a couple hours at night when we are both totally exhausted.  We've had long stretches of time this week to sit and talk.  Yes, it isn't ideal.  Our "nights away" have been in a hospital room but when we wake up after a couple hours of uncomfortable sleep, we can sit and talk.

*I'm immensely grateful that Aaron isn't going to need more surgeries.  We haven't talked details with people who aren't family but if Aaron had needed more surgeries that would have meant some very bad stuff was going on.  As it is, a month of recovery is looking like a cake walk compared to what the worst case scenario could have been.

*I'm grateful that my little daughter is growing and developing.  I didn't put this on Facebook because it didn't end up being a big thing but I had a doctor's appointment on Thursday and there was some concern about her size and so there were a million measurements that had to be done and waiting for the doctor to examine the findings before finally determining that....she is most likely going to be petite but healthy.  Yeah, she is measuring a month behind in her body mass but all of her organs are looking like they are functioning as they should for her gestational age.  I even got to see her doing her "practice breathing".

*I'm grateful that my in-laws are getting more time to visit with Zach and enjoy him.  It's hard living away from family because Zach doesn't get to see his grandparents that often.  So it is good that they get to see him and he is getting to know them better.

*I'm grateful to Aaron's specific coworkers who have come to see him.  And also finding out that they have been concerned about his health in the recent months as they've seen him in pain and growing thin.  They've only known him a few months but they have been worried about him and are genuinely happy to find out that he is getting the help that he needs.  It is very telling how bad Aaron has been feeling lately that when people came to the hospital on Friday they said, "You look so much better than you looked on Friday last week."  They hadn't seen him when he came out of surgery or anything awful like that.  They think he looked better than he did AT WORK 4 days before the worst of this happened.  And he does.

*I'm grateful that today, since I had been sick last night, I got the chance to be with my son.  He's had a tough week.  Not because he has been short on loving, but because he has been short on mom and dad time.  We did a lot of cuddling today and quiet playing and book reading and just being normal.  We got to slow down and enjoy each other like we normally do.

*I'm grateful for all of the people who couldn't be near my physically but who answered the call today on Facebook to please do something to make me smile or keep things positive.  I couldn't bare to read anything negative on Facebook today after my night of being sick.  And people really delivered.  I loved it.  In fact, one friend actually DELIVERED.  Her son.  Which was such great news to hear.  I know she didn't do it for me but it lifted my spirits none the less.

*I'm grateful that the abscess didn't give Aaron sepsis.  I mean...let's be real.  Aaron could have gotten sepsis and died.  He could have died.  Not to be an alarmist but the real life situation is that he could have gotten sepsis and died. I seriously CAN NOT feel like this trial is that bad when my husband is alive.  He lived.  Yes, this is hard.  Yes, this isn't what I wanted for my life at the moment, but the love of my life is alive.

*And today I'm grateful that my car battery didn't die in the middle of the night.  Because God is good.  My life is good.

Every day that passes comes with new things to be grateful for.  New lessons about love and marriage and health and what truly matters in this life.  I wish that I could learn these lessons without all of this but apparently Heavenly Father thinks that this is the best way.  I trust Him.  And I'm thankful for that too.

Happy Halloween!!

GET READY FOR PICTURE OVERLOAD!!!

Most of you know (because I talk about myself all the time) that I haven't been feeling great this pregnancy.  Well, Aaron hasn't been feeling great either (he's asked me not to tell people his business so you'll have to ask him about that if you want to know).  We're still moving all of our stuff in and everything has been a wee bit stressful.

BUT, it is HALLOWEEN!!  One of the best holidays of the year!!  It is a holiday that I want to share the love of with my children and so I knew that I had to get off of my sick and tired bottom and get Zach a costume.  I asked people on Facebook what would be the easiest thing to go and people had tons of cute suggestions.

I chose to do a pirate because every child needs pirate clothes.  I bought $1 brown pants and cut them raggity (I might sew a felt "patch" on once I find some fleece...because he's going to wear these all the time) and a striped red and white shirt.  Plus mustache and bandanna and he was ready to go.

Since he is a little young for candy and trick-or-treating, we went to a Church party with a trunk-or-treat on the 29th.  Aaron couldn't make it, because of aforementioned "none of your business".  I wore my pumpkin costume.  This was the only picture of the two of us.

Dang, that was AFTER living in Vegas all summer.  Try to think about how white I was in Utah!

Zach thought that the purpose of Halloween was to run around dressed like a pirate and pick up trash.  To each his own.  I'm not going to discourage running around dressed like a pirate.

Since it was really dark on the 29th by the time I got Zach into his costume, I thought that I would dress him up on Halloween and take better pictures of him.  The only outdoor place that I could get good lighting and also not have a run away was our patio.

It was tricky to keep the bandanna on him.

He colors 90% of the time with his left hand. Do with that information what you will.  He's grandma on his mom's side is left handed and his grandpa on his dad's side is left handed.  Grandparents on both sides makes it more likely but...it is neither here nor there...but something I would note in case I want to remember.

This is Pippen hiding.  Want to know why?

Pippen is actually still pink from this experience.  Zach realized that he could color on the white dog with great results.

Good job, Zach.  Now make sure to get the chalk good and rubbed into the fur.  Excellent.

They both just sat there for awhile.  Just hanging out while I took pictures.

Zach tasted the chalk.  This was his critique of its flavour.  Thank you Crayola, for being non-toxic.

 Aaron came home and told me that he wanted to go to a trunk-or-treat with my cousins.  He felt bad that he didn't make it to Zach's first Halloween on Wednesday and wanted to do SOMETHING to celebrate the holiday.

Then he went to physical therapy.  So Zach and I took pictures with my phone (for immediate grandparent gratification and happiness) and pass out candy to early coming trick-or-treaters.  We had one adorable bumblebee come by with her dad.  She was about a year older than Zach and Zach LOVED putting candy into her bag.  He even wanted to follow after them.

Giving me back the bandanna.  Of course.  We did this game all night.

When dad got home, we headed off to my cousins' for their trunk-or-treat.  I didn't get any pictures but Zach, once again, had tons of fun running around in the street.  He didn't know what kids were doing outside but he was loving running around with them.

So, for Zach's technically second Halloween but first that he could move around, it was pretty fun.  I'm glad we didn't drop the ball because I want Halloween to be a family favorite for years and years and years.

25 Week Baby Bump

Since I knew that I was going to be over halfway through my pregnancy by Halloween, I started thinking of what I could dress up like, to incorporate my baby bump.  I was especially excited because I've heard and witnessed that the second pregnancy, you get bigger faster, so I was planning an even more epic baby bump.

BUT I've been super barfy....and losing weight like crazy.  I wasn't counting on being THINNER than when I started.  Honestly, even my doctor looks at me and says, "Well.....the baby is the right size....so....." 

I'm technically entering into my 7th month of pregnancy so...I should have a really good baby bump, right?

BEHOLD!!!  My costume from Trunk or Treat last night at the Church.

I was a lady with an orange shirt on.  I was LITERALLY a lady with a pumpkin on her shirt.  I made it myself.  It looked borderline SAD because I basically looked like a woman making light of the fact that she might have a couple pounds to lose in the gut area.

I should have put a basketball under my shirt and gone dressed as a pregnant lady.

Give It to God

I know exactly the moment that it happened.  The moment that I completely gave it up to God.  The exact second that I couldn't be in charge anymore.

About midway through my infertility journey, I began telling people, "I KNOW that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and He has a plan for my life.  I don't know what it is....and right now, it seems really unfair and stupid."

That was honestly how I felt.  I'm a pretty honest person that way.

I had heard over and over and over again, my whole life that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us.  He gives us what we need to learn and become our best selves.  Sometimes trials are brought upon us by our own stupidness and sometimes it is by other people's stupidness.  Sometimes trials are just part of being alive.  And I think that all the time, Heavenly Father is there to give us strength and guidance and to use it as a chance to teach us.  So I KNEW that He was having me go through the trial of infertility for a reason or multiple reasons.

But it really seemed stupid.  And unfair.  And like the worst plan ever.

After years of trying, I got pregnant and stayed pregnant.  It wasn't easy.  Pregnancy was difficult for me and complicated but miraculous and beautiful.

I went into labor.  And it wasn't easy.  It REALLY wasn't easy.  You've probably read the story.

It was around 4 days and 2 hours into my labor.  From the start of wanting this baby to that moment, nothing had been easy.  That's how it felt.  It felt like, I couldn't GET pregnant easily.  I couldn't BE pregnant easily.  And now, I couldn't even get the baby out in a normal fashion.

A nurse checked my cervix.  Something felt wrong.  She thought that it might be my placenta abrupting.  She went to get another nurse to check.  The second nurse checked.  She told me that she was getting another more seasoned nurse to check before they went to tell the on call doctor.  She told me that they might have to do an emergency C-section.

That was the moment.

I laid my head back down on the bed and closed my eyes and said to God, "Fine.  I give up.  Whatever you want.  I'm not going to fight anymore."

That was the most liberating feeling in the whole wide world for me.  I didn't know what the plan was.  I didn't need to know what the plan was.  I didn't care what the plan was.  I was just going to go along with the plan.

It wasn't crippling.  It wasn't demoralizing.  It was empowering.  

My spirit wasn't broken or crippled.  My spirit was humbled.

The words "If ye have faith, ye need not fear" entered my mind.  It isn't an exact scripture quote (as least that I've been able to find) and I don't know where it came from if not the Holy Spirit.  It has been my mantra ever since.

Whatever you are holding onto, whatever has got you stressed and worried.  Let it go.  Give it to God.

When we were trying to sell our house this summer and it just sat on the market, it was scary.  We had only a couple months before we would have to pay rent and mortgage...which was not going to be doable.  We did all we could to make the house desirable and then, I gave it to God.

It was apparently in God's plan for it to sell right before our time ran out.

When I was told 2 days before moving day that I needed to not do anything stressful or get my heart rate up or move boxes, I gave it to God.

People showed up.  People that I didn't expect to show up, came to help.  They came to load up the moving truck and when we got to Las Vegas, more people than I thought we knew in Vegas came to unload it.

I loved Elder Nelson's talk at conference in April.  I've thought about his words at the beginning a lot.  He told a personal story of when he had been on a plane during turbulence and a terrified woman who he wished that he could help calm.

"Because faith is the antidote for fear, I silently wished that I could have strengthened her faith."

There are have been several people in my life in the last couple months, who I wished that I could give my faith to.  That I could physically take some of my faith out of my body and place it into their hearts to help them.

I can't give you my faith.  I earned it through some pretty tough moments.  But I can give you my testimony.  And this is it.

We can fill our life with worry and stress and fear and still reach the same end as we would if we did all we could and then gave it all to our Heavenly Father.  I can have Him, "lead me, guide me, walk beside me, help me find the way" and so can you.

Zach would have gotten out of me one way or another.  That was something that I couldn't stress about or try to be in control of one second longer.  

And you might be holding onto something that you can't stress about or try to control one second longer.  So don't.  Please don't.

Give it to God.

Family Home Evening: Fall Carnival

We're trying to do Family Home Evenings now that Zach is getting a little older.  We also wanted to do something to celebrate the fall season.  On our way to Costco and a Stake conference, we passed by this carnival looking thing and so I looked online to see what it was.  It was a charity fall carnival for kids, so we decided to check it out.

We knew that it was going to be good for Zach when we saw a bunch of other kids his size there.  I am personally so excited to be a mom that sometimes I plan activities for my son (like science museums) that are WAY PASSED his caring level.  So this was perfect.

Up first was the pumpkin patch right at the front.  He wanted to feel all of the straw.

I love seeing these two together.  They're adorable little buddies.

Zach found more of the hay bales and wanted to devote his life to touching them.

Luckily that led him right into the maze that was perfectly suited to his size.  It was awesome because we could see the whole maze but he was like, "What is this place?  This place made of magical hay bales?"

We let him take the lead and let him work his way out.  I mean, that's kind of my parenting style.  Watch and see what he does and if he gets in trouble, help him out.  But he was having fun going around and around and seeing and discovering.

After Zach worked his way out of the maze (all on his own!), we picked out a ride that we thought would suit us.  Luckily my 23 week pregnant body can still fit inside a "Medium Banana".  They were all labeled with different names but they were all the same size.  Like, there was the "Long Banana"  and the "Big Banana"  but they were all the exact same size....weird.

He smiled the whole time on the ride.  I can't get over his face in this picture.

I include the picture below so that you can see how it was swinging out.  Imagine trying to get my pregnant body into that swinging banana while also holding my son....it was kind of an ordeal.

 After all that running around, Zach was ready for dinner and getting a little grumpy so we headed back out.  Seriously, this carnival was the perfect size for Zach to have fun.

Maybe we'll go again next year too.  Make it a little family tradition.

A Boy, A Bucket and a Rock Garden

Aaron and I never imagined that NOT having a grass yard would be an awesome adventure for our little boy.  We felt bad leaving our Ogden backyard and giving it up for Las Vegas' classic rock gardens.  But it has really been a blessing in disguise.

Zach LOVES the rocks and thinks that every time he goes outside, he has to pick up a rock and bring it inside with him.

For his birthday, he got a gift certificate for Michael's and since I'm a toy snob, this was the PERFECT present because I knew that it would be creative open ended toys.

One of those toys, was a bucket.  So Zach took his bucket and to the rock garden we went (two steps outside my front door).

Of course, his personal bodyguards had to come too.  They are ever watchful of their little boy.

I told myself that we would sit outside playing until Zach got tired of it....we were outside of over an hour with Zach filling up his bucket completely full of rocks.  People are going to think my dogs dig holes...not so...that would be my son.