Better, Not Bitter

"Better, Not Bitter" was a phrase that I learned in seminary from a wonderful teacher named Mary Phelps.  She would tell us about inspirational things that she would discover in books or online or where ever she found them.  One of these stories included a person who had gone through some really rough times (I think becoming paralyzed but I'm not sure) and he decided that he wanted to become a better person through his trials instead of a bitter person.

This became my mantra while I was struggling through my infertility.  I say "struggling through" because it was very hard and, at times, heart breaking for me.

I started an infertility blog called "Better, Not Bitter" so that I could get out all my feelings about going through infertility while also recording moments of growth and gratitude.

I was reading many other blogs written by other women with infertility and it was helping me to feel less alone but I noticed something about all of these ladies.  

They were extremely bitter.  They wanted to write about all the insensitive things people accidentally said.  They wanted to write about all the baby showers that they were invited too and how people should know not to invite them because they are barren.  Every disappointment, whether a negative pregnancy test, failed round of IVF or miscarriage, was an Eeyore response of "I KNEW it was going to be bad news.  I KNEW it was going to be terrible."  I decided that I didn't want to become like these women.

I wanted to become a better person, not a bitter person.  So I tried to focus on the positives. All of the time Aaron and I could go on vacations or focus on our relationship.  Lots of time to focus on my hobbies.  Extra time spent focusing on my callings at church.  I got to go and work on a movie one summer, completely spur of the moment.  I got to go to Mexico and a bunch of weddings of my friends all over the US.  I tried to focus on becoming a better person.  Reading my scriptures and praying.  Helping friends and other service.  My infertility became a blessing in my eyes.  A refining fire that Heavenly Father had made just for me.

I'm not going to lie.  I still cried when I took a pregnancy test.  Miscarriages hurt me terribly.  My heart ached for babies that I couldn't have.  But I kept going.  I would pick myself up from the bathroom floor (a place of frequent tears) and try to become better.

Well, lately I have been wondering about all of these women who I used to follow  online.  I had the blog list still up and so I went to take a look.

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM HAS A BABY!  They all have gotten their miracle baby!! Whether through adoption, IVF, or the stars aligning.

But do you know what their blogs are filled up with?  Complaining. 

Being a mom is hard...I know.   My children cry all hours of the night and poop and make giant sticky messes like everybody else's children do. Some days are hard and some days are wonderful and filled with bliss. But every single one of these ladies only wrote about how terrible it is to be a mom.  Their children seem to be exceptionally trying.

My heart breaks for them.  They got the baby that they always wanted...and they are miserable.

I'm sure that deep down, they love their babies.  I'M SURE THEY DO.  But it seems like all they've learned to do to get through hard things, is to complain. To say why me and then get online to share the worst of themselves.

I know this sounds extra prideful and super judge-y. I don't know these women personally (although some that I do know also fit this description) and so I can't judge their hearts.

I'm so blessed that I was able to grow during my infertility experience.  Reading back through my blog posts, I saw how strong I was and also how hurt I was. I wrote about miscarriages and positive interactions with beautiful children. I wrote about scriptures that strengthened me and beautiful insights I had about life. Heavenly Father gave me so much during my trials. Love and strength and knowledge.

I printed the blog out into a book. I want my children to be able to read it and see how much I've always loved them and how deeply I wanted them in my life. I also hope someday when their lives our hard, they can remember.

I've deleted that blog. It served it's purpose. I'm moving on now to new adventures and growth.

Life has continued to be life.  That means ups and down, really fun times and some truly awful times, but now I know that the best way to move forward through all of it, is with a positive attitude. 

The best gift to give yourself through hard times is to become better.