Our Little Patch of Heaven

Walking back into the apartment, after finding out Aaron wouldn't be coming home for a long time, felt surreal.

Everything was how it had been left when the paramedics came.

Furniture was displaced in the event they needed to put him on a gurney. Dinner from the night before, pizza that no one had felt like eating so it had been left for breakfast, sat on the dining room table.  A box I was working on unpacking was left open with half of the contains emptied onto the couch.

The smell of rotten flesh filled the master bath and bedroom. I remembered what the paramedic had said in the living room to me as he was leaving. "Everything he got stuff on, the towel and wash cloth...anything. Throw it away. Just throw it away."

I went to the bedroom and gathered up bed sheets and towels and hand towels and all the trash from trying to fix my husband myself.  Every piece of fabric that went into the dumpster had been a wedding present.  But into the dumpster it was placed, without ceremony but in complete disgust for what had ruined them.

I went into the bathroom and scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed the tub with bleach.

As I scrubbed I kept thinking,"I will never bathe in here again. I can't put my kids in this tub. This tub is dirty. This tub is ruined."

I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed the floor of the bathroom.  I thought maybe some drops of Aaron's insides had gotten on the floor and I couldn't stand the thought of getting it on my feet.

"This floor is dirty.  I'm never going to come in here again.  I can't bring my kids in this bathroom."

I started thinking that about our room. "This room is dirty. It is ruined. Our bed is dirty. It is ruined. I can't sleep on that bed."

I might have been having a nervous breakdown of some kind but, in that moment, I never wanted to see this apartment ever again. With its terrible smell (that haunted me for months even when no one else could smell it) and now full of dark memories.

***

8 weeks earlier, we were thrilled as we walked around this apartment. 

My stipulations for an apartment were "2 bathrooms. $700 a month. Allows dogs." 

Aaron's stipulations were "good area" "ground floor" and "over 900 square feet".

We had our reasons and we also had a very small number of apartments that fit that and we were running out of time.

Our house was suddenly selling, at long last, and we would need our stuff out in a week. That meant we needed to move out of the furnished apartment we were staying in in downtown Las Vegas and into a real place.

Walking through this apartment felt so right for Aaron and I. We knew after a day of seeing apartment after apartment that this was going to be the best fit.

It was a gated apartment complex that was part of a greater master planned community. Duck ponds and parks in walking distance. Grocery stores and restaurants near by. A hospital within 5 miles of the house.

"Maybe you'll have the baby there" Aaron remarked.

It was $700 a month which was highly important to me. It would allow us to save a really good amount of money every month to accumulate a down payment on a new house, if Aaron's job stayed in the area.

And it was on the ground floor. Aaron didn't want us to be on a second floor with two small children. He worried they would stomp around and upset the downstairs neighbors. Not to mention the hassle of bringing in groceries or getting our couches moved in.

Above that, we had been praying that Heavenly Father would lead us to the right place for us to live.  After uprooting our family because we felt like it was what we were suppose to do, we had faith that He would find us the right place where we should be.  Even after all of the things that had gone wrong all summer, we still believed that this was what we were suppose to do.

We were able to get the keys RIGHT before we left to drive up to Ogden (on Aaron's birthday), sign the last of the paperwork to sell the house, pack up all of our belongings, drive back down to Las Vegas and move in.  It was even Labor Day weekend which gave us plenty of time (and people to help) when we moved.  This part of the process fell into place perfectly.

***

After a few long nights at the hospital with Aaron, I couldn't do it anymore.  My pregnant body was screaming to sleep on a bed instead of a stiff plastic coated hospital couch.  

I didn't want to be in that apartment.  I didn't want to be in that room where my husband's body had fallen apart.  I didn't want to lay in the bed where we had been the morning in all happened.  The place where rotting tissue had come out.

But I was exhausted.  I couldn't do it anymore.

My in-laws had, kindly, gone out and bought new sheets for the bed since I had to throw the old ones in the dumpster.  My mother-in-law had put them on and made the bed.

I crawled into bed and went to sleep.  Thinking that I could still smell that horrible smell and believing that it would always be there.

For weeks, I felt disgust when I thought of this apartment.  Logically, I knew that the apartment didn't do this to Aaron.  There was nothing here that caused everything to happen.  But I felt like it would always be filled with dark memories and it would always feel contaminated.

The 8 weeks of living in the apartment had seen Aaron slowly deteriorate which all culminated in the paramedics washing Aaron's blood and guts down the drain of the bathtub.  There were very few GOOD memories.

I wished that the lease wasn't a year long because all I wanted to do was get out of there.

***

For many pains in life, time heals.  With time, came added happy memories and also, godly perspective. 

The LDS Church tells you what building to meet in based on your geographical location.  That means that if we didn't live in this apartment, we would have been in a different ward building with entirely different people.  And you know what?  I can't imagine a better group of people to be with during this ordeal.

Aaron and I said numerous times to each other that we were so thankful that we had moved out of our ward in Ogden for these trials.  We can count on one hand (and not use all the fingers) the number of times when we desperately needed help in Ogden and asked the ward for it.  And it takes zero hands to count the number of times we received it.  There were good people in Ogden, don't get me wrong.  But for something this big, that required more than just a couple meals dropped off?  It never would have happened. 

It took 6 months going to church in Ogden for anyone to make eye contact with me.  It took 3 weeks for us to form a group of friends that came over to our house on a weekly basis.  Because of this, the night Aaron went into the hospital, I had someone IMMEDIATELY give me a bag of food for sleeping at the hospital and call the women's organization (The Relief Society)  to tell them what was going on AND come over to the hospital with a member of the Bishopric to give Aaron a priesthood blessing. 

For that one thing, we are grateful that Heavenly Father had us move away from Ogden.

But I'm talking about the miracle of this apartment.

This apartment was only 10 minutes away from the hospital.  I didn't give birth there.  But driving twice or three times a day to that hospital to see Aaron, made me EXTREMELY grateful that we only lived 10 minutes from a hospital.

We had wanted a ground floor apartment.  I'm really glad that Aaron stuck with that stipulation because, if we had NOT gotten a downstairs apartment, he would have gone to live at a rehabilitation center, probably for another one or two months.  Long time readers might remember that Aaron couldn't walk when he got out of the hospital.  He was using a walker and was not cleared (or at all capable) of climbing stairs.

Something that had irritated us about this apartment when we moved in was that the second bathroom had a walk in shower.  Not a tub.  We settled for one tub in the master bedroom to bathe the kids even though we thought that that would be an annoyance.

Nope.  Aaron had to use a walk-in shower.  He couldn't get INTO a tub.  For the same reasons he couldn't get up stairs.

The social worker in the hospital assigned to Aaron's case was relieved when we told him that we had ground floor entrance, zero stairs in the apartment, AND a walk-in shower.  He could sign Aaron off to go home.

My plan to save money for a down payment on a house didn't work out.  But because we had chosen to live in an apartment with a low rent cost, we did have money to pay our hospital bills.  Considering that our whole family was in the hospital for a cumulative THREE MONTHS, you can bet that even with great insurance, we had some hospital bills that needed to get paid.  And we had the money.

This apartment was the perfect place for us to be in the most stressful and chaotic time in our lives.

And how sweet the memory is in my mind when Aaron and I got to lay down together in our bed again while we fell asleep holding hands.

Or the day that I brought Sydney home to this apartment and we all snuggled her and adored her while we sat on the couch as a family.

We celebrated Easter together, hiding eggs in the front rock garden.

Zach's second birthday was a beautiful day.  We've enjoyed playing trains with him for months since then.

The smell has gone away, even the imagined smell in my mind.  We bathe our kids in the bathtub.

The dark memories have been scared away by the light of our faith and new memories.   Aaron and I have grown into better people in this apartment.  Our family has grown in this apartment.  Our love for each other and our testimony of the Atonement have grown in this apartment.

It has become a piece of heaven on earth.

First Family Camp Out!!

When we first moved into our apartment, we started a little FHE (Family Home Evening...it's something Mormons do to make sure to spend time with family at least once a week) group.  At first it was us and our neighbors, the Walkers.  Then a couple weeks before Aaron went into the hospital, we were joined by the Mosses.  It turned out to be a real blessing because when Aaron went into the hospital, we hadn't been in the ward that long and only knew a couple families.

They helped us out with food for the hospital. Alerting the right people at church that we needed help.  Priesthood blessings. Some babysitting.  Helping out with Thanksgiving pie.  And general friendship.  

It took 6 months for anyone in our ward in Ogden to make eye contact with us.  It took 2 weeks in this ward to start a friendly little bible study group.  Exceptionally people here.

When Aaron got out of the hospital, we started back up again.  We've invited more people and it is getting more and more awesome.

The Walkers were moving away though and they invited our FHE group on a camping trip.  Aaron and I are the only ones with kids and so it was with some trepidation that we said yes.  I'd never camped with kids...I didn't know how it would all work out.

We got up to camp Friday afternoon and started setting up.  I'm so glad that our first camping trip was with friends because...it takes a village, guys.  Aaron needed help setting the huge tent up and I had Sydney strapped to me and I was making sure that Zach stayed out of trouble so I couldn't help.  So Preston and Skip helped us out.

I appointed myself the group photographer...since I wanted to help our group in SOME form.

I love seeing this little boy in nature school.  He loves it too.  In fact, while we packed the car for the trip, he was inside the apartment crying because he wanted to go "ow-side".  We told him, "You will be outside.  We PROMISE you will be outside."

And our little explorer ate it all up (figuratively)!

While dad worked hard setting up our little "home", Zach explored around us.

Be still my heart.  This boy....*sigh* He is a dreamboat. 

He brought me "yo" flowers all weekend.  It's his word for "yellow".  I kind of don't want him to ever say it correctly because it is adorable.

When "home" was set up, Zach went to check it out.  It was definitely big enough for all 6 of us.  That's right.  6.

Not a pregnancy announcement.  We had the dogs with us.  That was another added dimension of difficulty.  Man....Aaron and I sure have acquired a good amount of dependents.

Preston and Kim started us a nice fire.  Another added bonus to the "village" setup.  Zach and I stayed close and gathered kindling and everyone with more mobility went in search of bigger wood for our fire.

Then Skip caught on fire.

Oh...not really.  I love that picture because the flame leaped up and made it look like he was on fire.

Zero guitar playing took place on this trip...which was kind of a surprise.  Considering the guitar.

The problem was that it was a little too cold for having fingers exposed.  The temperature was dropping and got down to about 40 degrees that night.  That REALLY shocked me....because....ummmm....we live in Las Vegas.

True story, as we were packing up the car, these neighborhood girls came over and asked, "Are you guys going camping?"  "Yeah."  "You're going to freeze.  It's cold when you camp."

I didn't think that they knew what they were talking about but it was enough to scare me into grabbing a sweater for Zach and me.

Zach finished eating his sandwich and then it was WAY passed his bedtime.  He had a tough time getting to sleep since he was really really mad that he was so tired.  But finally he went to sleep.

Then it was time for the grown up fun!!!  Joke.  We made ice cream.  Homemade ice cream sounded like a great idea when it was warmer but at 40 degrees, it was still a treat.  But I felt bad for whoever was shaking the ice cream because their hands got a tad bit chilly.

A good little spiritual experience finding a lost pacifier and it was really sweet listening to the other couples getting ready for bed in their tents.  Praying together and singing songs.  Talking and laughing together.  It made me wonder what our tent sounded like.

"Is Zach waking up?  Should we get another blanket for Pippen? he looks cold.  Ouch!  She's ripping up my nipple.  I can't scoot over or I'll crush a baby.  This is all the blanket I have.  Did we leave both of our phones in the car?  Oh man, Sydney pooped.  I need to pull her out.  Can you hold the flash light?  She's going to be MAD!  It's okay.  I'm sorry, I know it's cold.  Is Zach waking up?"

The next morning, which started at 6:50am (which is totally normal for our house....Zach rises with the sun...or before it.  He isn't picky) was chilly but beautiful.

I mean, look at this view!!!

Beautiful Kim making me so hot and perfect chocolate chip pancakes.  Best sight in the world.   They were so good.  We ate and ate and ate.  I think I had 4 pancakes.  Everyone else were light weights!

Aaron was a bit chilly from the night before.  We sacrificed most of the blankets to our kids.  They were toasty little burritos that actually slept like rocks.  Aaron wrapped a blanket around himself and stared stoically into the fire.

We left Zach in his full body pajamas in the morning and added shoes and a sweater to the look.  He continues his exploration of the campsite.  He would find lots of ants and bring them over to me and....I'm sorry to say...the ants did not survive the encounter with Zach.  He would pinch them in his fingers and bring them to me saying, "Ant!  Ant! Ant!" and I would look at them and he would "free" them and they would....ummmm....not crawl away.

Late in the morning we got ready to go for a hike.  This was the first time we would be hiking with Zach on an unpaved trail so that was exciting.  Sydney, of course, would be carried by me...such a mooch.

I love this picture of Zach.  He looks like he is at his thinking spot....contemplating life.

The hiking trail was about 1000 feet lower than our campsite so it warmed up by about 20 degrees...which was nice after waking up cold that morning.

These two are favorites of mine.  I'm probably going to be saying it for a LONG LONG time but I'm so happy that Aaron is up and walking.  I'm grateful that he's able to do stuff like this with his family again.  I know it might be awhile still before he is able to feel 100% when he's doing it or to go the distances that we used to but I'm so glad that we've come this far.

He looks adorable staring back at me but he is thinking, "Ummmm....we aren't leaving mom out here, right?"

Toward the end of the hike, Zach was having a tough time.  He's little legs were struggling to keep up and Aaron couldn't keep carrying him.  They started to fall behind the pack.

This is the only picture of me on the trip so please enjoy it.  I can't believe that our family is getting so big!!!! Two kids!!  3 years ago, I was so devastated after our second miscarriage.  God's timing is perfect....even when sometimes it feels a bit slow.

Our great friend Skip decided that he was the guy to help Zach finish up his hike.  Skip is a powerhouse of a guy when it comes to serving other people.  He was totally willing to help our hobbling family to the end of the trail.

FINISHING STRONG!!

We got back to camp and most of us went to take naps.  Much. Needed. Naps.  Zach protested and so Aaron and Sydney took a nap.  Then I forced Zach to take a nap with me.  I did the "fall asleep while restraining the child" method....I mean....snuggling.  It worked like a charm and we slept for about an hour and a half.

Notice the dog kennels knocked over.  The wind was whipping our tent around like crazy and the dogs were napping with us.  I woke up to the dogs whining because they had been tipped over and were super uncomfortable.  The wind was CRAZY.

After nap time, we played a fun game that the Moss's brought.  And we got a big surprise!  The Silva's drove up to see us!!!  They were in the area with Elise setting up for girl's camp the next week and wanted to hang out even though they couldn't spend the night.

Turns out, none of us wanted to stay another night.  Aaron and I had always planned on only the one night because Aaron had an early morning meeting the next day at Church.  But after the near freezing cold conditions the night before, everyone was eager for a good night sleep and a shower before church the next day.

So we forced the Silva's to help us take down camp, with the promise of a delicious dinner.

I had Elise snuggle my baby (I don't think she minded terribly) so that I could help Aaron clear out our tent of all the blankets and clothes and everything else we had hauled up there.

Kim worked on making our delicious Indian inspired curry dinner. Oh it was so good.  We did not go without on our camping trip in the way of food AT ALL.

These are our manly men hard at work.  Really great guys the whole lot of them.

Once all the tents got packed up, we were all ready to settle in and eat.  It was amazing.  And it was the perfect warm dinner for such a chilly windy day.

And that was pretty much the end of the trip.  It was really nice.  I'm not going to say that I'd be ready to go back out in the next month but it was good to see that even with two small kids, it is very possible.  But don't expect to sleep.

A Roller Coaster Life

Aaron was on a pretty constant supply of morphine for awhile at the end of last year. The battle between wanting to be coherent and present but not in extreme pain was an everyday issue.

In the evenings especially, he wanted to sit quietly and talk with me. He wanted to make sense and he wanted to understand what I was saying.

We had many in depth, insightful, spiritual and beautiful conversations. Eventually the pain would be too much and a nurse would come in and save him from that agony. Moments later Aaron would be drifting in and out and talking about nonsense. Usually that was my cue to kiss him good night on the forehead and go home.

One night we were talking about our life together and our ups and downs. Going through rough patches of conflict or all we went through to have kids. The drug regiments and miscarriages. The exciting  vacations and hikes with each other. The past year with moving and ruining our car (curse you raccoon!!!!!!) and getting pregnant really quickly and  finally ending up in the hospital. We talked about how comforting it was to always know Heavenly Father has a plan for us. That we're learning and growing throughout it all.

Then Aaron needed his medication. It had only been a couple weeks since they'd removed two softball sized chunks of flesh and muscle from his side and the morphine was a necessity.

The medication set in quickly. He started to float away. I held his hand quietly while he relaxed into the bed.

"I feel like a roller coaster at Great America. That's where my parents met. You know that, right?"

"Yeah."

"I'm spinning everywhere. Up and down and falling and flying up."

This is how the conversations usually went. Sometimes a little funny. Or a little sad. Sometimes a little sweet and vulnerable. I never thought to record them. It seemed like a breach of trust into a personal moment.

"I used to be scared of roller coasters," he continued,"but my parents said that we didn't need to be scared. Roller coasters were just a lot of fast or a lot of bumpy. The rides were meant to be fun and they were safe. Sometimes you get flipped upside down and corkscrewed but at the end you'll have a great time."

At that moment, something clicked in my mind.

I was being corkscrewed. I felt corkscrewed.

Our conversation from before was tying into his morphine brain conversation.

We were on a roller coaster. It had been designed not only for our enjoyment but also for our growth. Sometimes we would go up and up and up and we'd see amazing things from great heights. And sometimes we are getting flipped over or dropping really really really really fast and we instinctively hold our breath and wait to hit bottom. Sometimes we're being corkscrewed and it strains our necks and pulls us further off our sit than we feel comfortable.

But we're safe. Safe in the knowledge that our personal roller coaster was designed for our good. It was designed for our growth as individuals. Every twist and turn was placed there by a loving Heavenly Father.

When we trust God and His craftsmanship, we can relax and have a good time. At times we might be scared.

"Will I ever have a baby?" "Will we ever be settled in one place?" "Will my husband live?" "Will our quality of life change?" "Will my child be okay or am I scarring him for life?" "Will my baby live?" "Will we ever pay off medical bills?" "Will my husband be sick for months or years?" "Will I need to get a job?" "Will my husband lose his job?"

Life is so uncertain. I don't know if we'll all be alive tomorrow. I don't know if Aaron will stay out of the hospital long term. I don't know if our country will suddenly go to war. I don't know if our car will get stolen or if I'll break my leg or if Zach will fall off a cliff and be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. I don't know.

But Heavenly Father does.

He can't force us to trust and have faith in Him. He can't force us to like or enjoy the roller coaster that we are on.  I believe that He truly wants us to enjoy our roller coasters and that He made them personally for each of us.  But He can't enjoy them or ride them for us.

He can't even force us to stay on the roller coaster. I could bail out on this one. For some reason, Aaron thought I might. I could say,"I didn't like that corkscrew. I'm getting off. I didn't know there would be corkscrews." And I could try and situate myself on a different roller coaster that looks like more fun.  But then that new roller coaster might have flips or something equally upsetting to me.

I'm going to choose not to bail out on this roller coaster.  I'm going to choose to be happy on my ride.  There have been some really great parts.  Exhilarating, breathtakingly beautiful parts.

See what I mean about beautiful parts?

I'm going to choose to trust in the maker of my roller coaster.  The one who is building the track that I'm on.  I'm sure that I have many more flips and drops and corkscrews coming my way.  But I trust.  

I trust my Heavenly Father.  

“You can have sacred, revelatory, profoundly instructive experiences with the Lord in the most 

miserable experiences of your life … , while enduring the most painful injustices, when facing the 

most insurmountable odds and opposition you have ever faced.” -Elder Jeffery R. Holland

Easter Hike 2015

We're trying to make Easter a holiday about Jesus Christ and spring time for my kids. We're shying away from Easter bunnies coming with loads and loads of candy for them to eat and trying to focus more on the beautiful earth that Heavenly Father made for us and the wonderful promises of the Easter season.

In that spirit, last year Aaron and I decided that we wanted an Easter hike to be part of our family tradition.

Last year it was Zach in a stroller being pushed by his tough uncles with Aaron and I walking along.  This year, Zach is on his own power.  Aaron was enjoying his next couple weeks of easy(ier) mobility and I was carrying Sydney.  It was a good little group.

We didn't know what the trail would look like so we were pleasantly surprised by the easiness of this trail.  It was perfect for all of us.

Zach immediately picked up an impressively sized rock.

He was pretty determined to bring it with us.  He's a big fan of rocks.

Sydney slept most of the way...as is her prerogative.

As we walked, we tried to point out different plants and colorful flowers and any little animals to Zach and talk to him about how beautiful the earth is that we have.

I don't know how much really sunk in but he had a really good time.

We only went a short way but it was more than enough for Zach and probably a little more than Aaron should have been doing.  But it's hard to convince Aaron to take a break.  He loves being with his family.

I'll put a little testimony here.  I know that Jesus Christ came down to earth and lived His life as a perfect example for all of us.  He knew that we wouldn't be able to live perfect lives and so He gave His life for us so that we can be with our Heavenly Father and our eternal family when we die.  I'm at a loss for words to describe how thankful I am for that.  How grateful I am for my testimony that if I do my best every day, I can apply for Christ's Atoning sacrifice to make up the difference in what I lack.  I'm grateful to know that I can be with Aaron forever.  My children also have an opportunity to be with us forever.  I love Easter all year round  because I love Christ all year round.